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HOPE FOR THE FUTURE – IT’S NEVER TOO LATE
I was living in
My now husband of 28 years was the father, but he had no say in the decision I made. I knew that I could never have this child adopted after carrying it for 9 months; not knowing who would be chosen to be its parents. Whether the child would be happy and well looked after. I couldn’t take that chance and live with it. I thought I could live with this secret instead. How wrong I was.
Alone, I made all the necessary arrangements and travelled to
Afterwards I buried the whole episode in the depth of my sub-conscious and every now and then it would surface to haunt me. No one knows the shame and guilt I felt especially during the Abortion Referendum. Nowhere was safe. Everywhere I went people were talking about it. Even when I went to Mass, we were constantly dammed by the Catholic Church and were left feeling even more ashamed and guilty.
We eventually got married and some time later I gave birth to a beautiful son. He was perfect and I loved him more than life itself. He was my whole life. Unfortunately that didn’t last very long he was taken from me in a freak accident and I was left alone to punish myself yet again. I believed that God was chastising me for the bad decision I made years earlier. An eye for an eye, as it says in the bible.
I fell into a deep depression and from that time onwards I believed that everything bad that happened to me in my life I deserved. My relationship with my mother began to deteriorate because deep down I blamed her for my decision years earlier. If only she was the type of mother whom I could depend on and turn too.
What’s surprising is that our marriage survived and I was blessed with more children whom I adore and have a brilliant relationship with. I always believed that God understood and forgave me for what I did. But I could never forgive myself.
A couple of months ago I attended a
Recently I spent a weekend with my husband at a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat, and for the first time in almost 30 years I can feel peace and hope in my life. Everyone there was in some way a victim of circumstance. The weekend is also for family members and friends of those who have suffered abortions.
The room was consumed with so much pain and suffering only a person who had an abortion would understand. I was so overwhelmed when I arrived on the Friday that I almost fainted. My heart was so heavy with guilt: I couldn’t stop crying.
I spoke about my terrible secret after all these years and no one judged me or made me feel tainted. I believe I was blessed the day I set foot in Rachel’s Vineyard. The whole experience of the weekend has changed my life and made my relationship with my husband even stronger. I never knew the guilt and shame he felt all these years until he gave his version of the story.
My reason for writing this personal experience is to try and help others who have had abortions and think there is no one out there who understands. Rachel’s Vineyard offers hope, inner peace and above all, healing.
Healing the pain of abortion.
As I reflect back on the journey that my life has taken, I am sure that the hand of God was on my shoulder.
When I was nineteen years old I had an abortion. I was living in England at that time. I took what appeared to be the only choice I had. This decision made in haste, triggered years of suffering, self-loathing, fear of family finding out, fear of social exposure, self torture, and fear of God.
The main motivation for an abortion decision is fear. I just could not tell my family that I was pregnant. I had heard my father say so often, If you ever get pregnant , don't expect any help from us. Though it may be idle rhetoric on a parent's part, or even reality in some cases, it may come from a father's well intentioned, though severely misguided, efforts to discourage moral misbehavior in his daughter, by making a severe threat of punishment. Deterrence through fear was the strategy, even though it was done in love. When I became pregnant, I felt I had no other choice but to have an abortion, to save my parents from the shame, suffering and disgrace that I would bring on my family.
I had the false expectation that I could turn back the clock on my life, and everything would be fine again. How wrong I was, I was so naive. I had no idea what abortion was really about, and the doctor who introduced the idea to me did not enlighten me as to the reality of the humanity of my unborn child. I had no concept of the life that was growing inside of me. There was no mention of a baby, just some products of conception. The aftermath of the abortion continued to imprison me in fear and shame.
Post Abortion Trauma
I remember being so frightened. I thought that I was going to die. I would get panic attacks, and flashbacks of the abortion. I would see the doctor's face peering into mine, and telling me that everything would be just fine.
No one told me that visits to a doctor in the future would become a nightmare experience for me. No one told me that on the anniversary of the abortion each year, I would go into a deep depression. There was a wound in my heart that re-opened every time I heard a baby cry. No one told me that my heart would throb with pain and longing to have my baby back. The pain of an abortion can be the worst form of self-torture. I was not grieving over 'products of conception' or a 'bunch of cells', I was grieving for my baby.
The Healing Journey
My first step towards healing occurred when I decided to share my terrible secret with a close friend. She reacted with compassion, not the shock, horror and condemnation that I expected. I saw a tiny ray of Hope that day. I did not feel so isolated anymore, now that I had begun to dismantle the secret. My friend encouraged me to use my experience of abortion. She said to me "Jesus loves you warts and all", Don't waste your suffering, let God use it.
I went to confession, it was a huge step, but it marked a decisive phase in my journey towards healing. I encountered the God of Mercy who forgives our sins, and removes all our fears. The miracle of Divine Mercy restored my soul in full. God's great love broke the grip of fear that bound me. His love empowered me to face the truth, acknowledge the past and express my sorrow. Acceptance and responsibility were a crucial step in my journey towards healing.
The next step in my healing journey was forgiving myself. That is very hard for a post-abortive woman or man. The words of John Paul 11 from the "Gospel of Life" filled me with so much hope - 'If you have not already done so, give yourselves over with humility and trust to repentance. The Father of Mercies is ready to give you His forgiveness and His peace in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. You will come to understand that nothing is definitively lost and you will also be able to ask forgiveness from your child, who is now living in the Lord'.
Rachel's Vineyard comes to Ireland
I heard about Rachel's Vineyard in the U.S. and made contact with them. The first retreat was held in Cork in October 2003. To date I have facilitated 55 retreats. I have facilitated retreats and trained Rachel's Vineyard teams in England, Malta, and last year in the Lebanon. God can use our biggest mistake as an instrument of our salvation. He can use our suffering to help others.
Unhealed abortion pain can destroy marriages and families. Healing abortion loss is essential to building a culture of life, and healing our families and communities impacted by this loss.
Bernadette Goulding
Finding Healing after Abortion
At a certain stage in my life, I turned my back on God, and gave up praying and going to Mass. From then on, my life started to go downhill on a self destructive path. I mixed with the wrong people, drank excessively, and became very promiscuous. I began to seek out fortune tellers and tarot card readers. I lied and cheated, and in the process rebelled against all who cared for me. My mindset became very reckless and extremely negative as, without realizing what was happening, I had lost my dignity and all self respect for myself.
I had myself so convinced that I knew it all, that no one could tell me what to do, that I was in control of my life. How wrong I was. I became pregnant as a result of a one night-stand, and abortion appeared the only solution. I didn't want this baby. I felt that I couldn't live with the shame of having a baby by someone I hardly knew. I made the decision to go to England and have the abortion, then come home and no one would ever know.
After the abortion I felt numb. I didn't want to think or talk about what I had done to anyone, so I suppressed it as if it never happened. I completely blocked it out of my life as if it had happened to someone else. That was not me, I would tell myself. I was totally in denial.
As time went by, I became very paranoid and anxious about myself. I had very low self esteem, and lost all confidence in myself. I became a people pleaser, thinking that no one liked me. I felt that people could never accept me, because deep down I could not accept myself.
I now realize that I was suffering from post abortion trauma. As I sunk deeper into depression, suicide appeared the only way out. I was finding it very hard to live with the thoughts of the abortion and of all the other horrible things that had happened in my past. I though that if I killed myself it would be a way out as I wouldn't have to live with my conscience and I couldn't live with the reality of the person I had become. Then it struck me that I had also looked at the abortion as a way out and look where that got me. Suddenly I realized that I was being selfish. I had already turned my back on my family and on the friends who loved me. Killing myself, instead of being a solution, would only hurt them far more.
I cried out to God to help me. I kept saying "God why me"? "Why did all these horrible things happen to me". I prayed to Him, imploring Him to give me another chance, to forgive me for all the wrong things that I had done. Just then a very strong thought entered into my head. I had a sudden realization that God had never left me, that it was I who had turned away and left Him.
After that , I began to pray again. I went to Confession and even got a priest to deliver me from any evil I had come under as a result of going to fortune tellers, and tarot card readers. I went back to Holy Mass and my love for God was renewed, for bringing me through that very dark time in my life.
I began to read spiritual magazine's, and one day came across and advert for Rachel's Vineyard retreats. Many times I went to phone the number but i guess I was afraid of the unknown and kept putting it off.
I knew that I had confessed the abortion but I also know that I still needed healing. One day I got the courage to make that phone call. I spoke to a lady who had such love in her voice, and made me feel that I was special, and that really comforted me.
I went on a Rachel's Vineyard retreat and was greeted by lovely warm hearted people, including other women who were post abortive. I did not feel alone or out of place as I was among people had been through the same experience, and who listened with such compassion. The sense of being cared for, and the bonding that took place on the retreat was something very special.
May God bless the work of Rachel's Vineyard, as I highly recommend it to anyone who has had an abortion. I thank God that I made that phone call and went on that retreat. It has changed my life.
Margaret.
NO MORE TEARS TO CRY
This retreat was beyond anything I could have imagined. Jesus Himself was present and the mercy of God flowed over us. It was as though Jesus opened a door for me and took me to that place that I dared not enter alone. From the beginning, Scripture was used and the Word of God, which is so powerful, brought into the light everything that had influenced my decision, and completely healed many dark and painful memories that I had carried for years.
Rachel’s Vineyard was for me, like entering a very beautiful garden of graces, with healing streams, and fountains of living water. There was no judgement, no condemnation, just love and acceptance. We each had an opportunity to tell our story, and there was a very special time when we named our children, prayed for them and lit a candle for them---the candles burning all together is a moment that I will never forget. The retreat ended with a memorial service that was so beautiful and anointed, it could only have been from heaven, and finally with Holy Mass. Our leader was a most caring, sensitive, and compassionate lady, who understood from her own experience, and led the retreat in such a way that each person was able to be open to all the graces that God had for them.
My journey is not yet over, but I am left in awe of the boundless mercy and love that God has for me.
