Rachel's Vineyard - Life Stories

How do you mend countless Broken Hearts? One Heart at a Time

Coming to a Rachel's Vineyard retreat has been a turning point in my life. For many years I suffered, not knowing what to do or where to turn. This feeling became so much worse after giving birth to my two little boys. I felt I was such a bad person for aborting my two babies. I felt worthless, my self hatred grew more and more and my life had no joy or peace.

I read an article about Rachel's Vineyard and felt compelled to attend a weekend retreat, although it took me many months to make that phone call to Bernadette. I thought that she was going to hate me because I had two abortions. When I told her on the phone she didn't sound surprised at all and was very kind and encouraging.

By the end of the weekend I didn't want to leave, although it had been an emotional rollercoaster, I felt safe there. Sharing our stories with these other hurt women was a difficult but amazing experience. Facing our lives with such honesty and knowing that we were not alone. There were lots of tears and plenty of laughter and I made some very good friends.

The best part for me was finally acknowledging my children, naming them and finally being able to symbolically lay them to rest at the beautiful memorial service.

For anyone who is suffering from a past abortion, no matter what your story is, how many abortions, or why, you will find a very supportive, compassionate and encouraging place at Rachel's Vineyard, to begin to heal your broken heart, but most importantly , you will not be judged.

My life is so much better now, I have forgiven myself and I have so much Hope.

The terrible Lie, that they call abortion

I want to thank the team at Rachel's Vineyard for all the help and support they gave me at the retreat, regarding the terrible pain and suffering that I went through as a result of an abortion. Without them I do not think that I could have moved on with my life.

The shame and guilt that was building up inside of me was terrible, every day was a struggle, trying to live with what I had done. I was constantly beating myself up over what I had done. I felt so alone, couldn't, wouldn't talk to anyone about how awful I felt. I thank our Lord for Rachel's Vineyard and for Bernadette and her team. Without them I would still be in a very big black dark hole.

I heard about Rachel's Vineyard from a spiritual director. Initially I was very frightened at the prospect of attending a retreat, and kept saying to myself, I wont go, I will just have to live with what I have done. Then I took the bull by the horns and eventually went. It was a turning point in my life.

The retreat lasted a weekend. I was met at the door by such warm and welcoming people. I was welcomed with open and compassionate arms. I didn't feel like a leper, and as the weekend progressed I realized that I was being healed. I finally had my pain, my feelings, legitimized. I have been able to openly and publicly acknowledge my child's very real and precious existence. I have been able to welcome my child as part of my family, and have finally been given permission to own my baby to acknowledge him as a real person, and to grieve his loss.

Abortion is a Lie. With abortion, one Heart is stopped and another Heart is broken.

The Gift of Rachel's Vineyard.

In finding Rachel's Vineyard you are truly blessed. You are being given a second chance, a chance to find peace with yourself, with your child, and with God. Graciously accept the gift that is 'Rachel's Vineyard'.... It will change your life.

For six long years I endured depression, anxiety, panic attacks, guilt and shame. Dealing with each problem as they arose, unaware that they were merely masking the pain and grief of two abortions.

I struggled and worked through these dark times but mostly I endured it.... because I believed that I deserved it, the price I had to pay for my actions.

In therapy I was advised to forgive myself, even if I knew how or where to begin. How could I possibly.... the pain was the only link I had to my babies. I was gripped in pain, isolated in my grief. I could see no way through or past it.

At Rachel's Vineyard, I was able to speak my truth, without prejudice or judgment from anyone. 'Rachel's Vineyard' provided me and others just like me with the space, the support and the tools to begin to deal with the trauma and loss of abortion.

It is difficult to find words for the wealth of experience I had... I have hope now and faith. I am at peace now with God and with my past. To get past the pain of abortion we must go through it. As difficult and as scary as that may seem......I would go through Rachel's Vineyard ten times over and more, rather than live another day as I had done before.

The greatest gift you can give yourself is the gift of 'Rachel's Vineyard.

You are not alone anymore.

Rachel's Vineyard is truly a blessing to any woman who has had an abortion.

The unbearable pain and suffering that I went through as a result of my abortion, deeply scarred me as a woman. I lost all self respect, trust, love and dignity towards myself. The guilt, deep sadness and loss that I felt from the wrong decision that I had made just tore me apart inside.

Rachel's Vineyard is a retreat where I met people with such compassion, warmth and love towards me and other women who were also deeply wounded by abortion.

For me the retreat was a beautiful experience overall and a very safe place to share my feelings, fears, worries and most of all my terrible guilt, shame anger and pain.

I felt comfortable in knowing that these people wanted to listen to my story without criticizing or judging me. I bonded that weekend, not only with the team members but also with the other post abortive women, who related to me with their feelings and similar experiences.

The most important thing about the retreat is that it is done in total confidence and that there will always be someone you can contact from the team after the retreat, should you feel the need to. The isolation has ended, and you do not feel alone anymore

HOPE FOR THE FUTURE – IT’S NEVER TOO LATE

Almost 30 years ago I found myself pregnant and scared. I couldn’t confide in family or friends. I was raised a Catholic and my mother always told us not to come home pregnant and bring shame to the family. What other people thought was more important; image was everything.

I was living in Dublin and knew in my heart and soul that my family would never forgive me for bringing this disgrace upon them so I chose what I thought was the easiest way out. I had an abortion. My now husband of 28 years was the father, but he had no say in the decision I made. I knew that I could never have this child adopted after carrying it for 9 months; not knowing who would be chosen to be its parents. Whether the child would be happy and well looked after. I couldn’t take that chance and live with it. I thought I could live with this secret instead. How wrong I was.

Alone, I made all the necessary arrangements and traveled to England with my partner. It was so lonely and I was so scared. I had no idea what was ahead of me or what devastating effect the decision would have on my future. From that day forward we never ever spoke of what had taken place.

Afterwards I buried the whole episode in the depth of my sub-conscious and every now and then it would surface to haunt me. No one knows the shame and guilt I felt especially during the Abortion Referendum. Nowhere was safe. Everywhere I went people were talking about it. We eventually got married and some time later I gave birth to a beautiful son. He was perfect and I loved him more than life itself. He was my whole life. Unfortunately that didn’t last very long he was taken from me in a freak accident and I was left alone to punish myself yet again. I believed that God was chastising me for the bad decision I made years earlier.

I fell into a deep depression and from that time onwards I believed that everything bad that happened to me in my life I deserved. My relationship with my mother began to deteriorate because deep down I blamed her for my decision years earlier. If only she was the type of mother whom I could depend on and turn to.What’s surprising is that our marriage survived and I was blessed with more children whom I adore and have a brilliant relationship with. I always believed that God understood and forgave me for what I did. But I could never forgive myself

A couple of months ago I attended a Mission and got talking to this wonderful Priest. I told him about my abortion and for the first time in my life a man of the cloth had compassion for me. He told me to contact a wonderful organization called Rachel’s Vineyard.

Recently I spent a weekend with my husband at a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat, and for the first time in almost 30 years I can feel peace and hope in my life. Everyone there was in some way a victim of circumstance. The weekend is also for family members and friends of those who have suffered abortions. The room was consumed with so much pain and suffering only a person who had an abortion would understand. I was so overwhelmed when I arrived on the Friday that I almost fainted. My heart was so heavy with guilt: I couldn’t stop crying. I spoke about my terrible secret after all these years and no one judged me or made me feel tainted. I believe I was blessed the day I set foot in Rachel’s Vineyard. The whole experience of the weekend has changed my life and made my relationship with my husband even stronger. I never knew the guilt and shame he felt all these years until he gave his version of the story. My reason for writing this personal experience is to try and help others who have had abortions and think there is no one out there who understands. Rachel’s Vineyard offers hope, inner peace and above all, healing.

Healing the pain of abortion.

As I reflect back on the journey that my life has taken, I am sure that the hand of God was on my shoulder.

When I was nineteen years old I had an abortion. I was living in England at that time. I took what appeared to be the only choice I had. This decision made in haste, triggered years of suffering, self-loathing, fear of family finding out, fear of social exposure, self torture, and fear of God.

The main motivation for an abortion decision is fear. I just could not tell my family that I was pregnant. I had heard my father say so often, If you ever get pregnant , don't expect any help from us. Though it may be idle rhetoric on a parent's part, or even reality in some cases, it may come from a father's well intentioned, though severely misguided, efforts to discourage moral misbehavior in his daughter, by making a severe threat of punishment. Deterrence through fear was the strategy, even though it was done in love. When I became pregnant, I felt I had no other choice but to have an abortion, to save my parents from the shame, suffering and disgrace that I would bring on my family.

I had the false expectation that I could turn back the clock on my life, and everything would be fine again. How wrong I was, I was so naive. I had no idea what abortion was really about, and the doctor who introduced the idea to me did not enlighten me as to the reality of the humanity of my unborn child. I had no concept of the life that was growing inside of me. There was no mention of a baby, just some products of conception. The aftermath of the abortion continued to imprison me in fear and shame.

Post Abortion Trauma

I remember being so frightened. I thought that I was going to die. I would get panic attacks, and flashbacks of the abortion. I would see the doctor's face peering into mine, and telling me that everything would be just fine.

No one told me that visits to a doctor in the future would become a nightmare experience for me. No one told me that on the anniversary of the abortion each year, I would go into a deep depression. There was a wound in my heart that re-opened every time I heard a baby cry. No one told me that my heart would throb with pain and longing to have my baby back. The pain of an abortion can be the worst form of self-torture. I was not grieving over 'products of conception' or a 'bunch of cells', I was grieving for my baby.

The Healing Journey

My first step towards healing occurred when I decided to share my terrible secret with a close friend. She reacted with compassion, not the shock, horror and condemnation that I expected. I saw a tiny ray of Hope that day. I did not feel so isolated anymore, now that I had begun to dismantle the secret. My friend encouraged me to use my experience of abortion. She said to me "Jesus loves you warts and all", Don't waste your suffering, let God use it.

I went to confession, it was a huge step, but it marked a decisive phase in my journey towards healing. I encountered the God of Mercy who forgives our sins, and removes all our fears. The miracle of Divine Mercy restored my soul in full. God's great love broke the grip of fear that bound me. His love empowered me to face the truth, acknowledge the past and express my sorrow. Acceptance and responsibility were a crucial step in my journey towards healing.

The next step in my healing journey was forgiving myself. That is very hard for a post-abortive woman or man. The words of John Paul 11 from the "Gospel of Life" filled me with so much hope - 'If you have not already done so, give yourselves over with humility and trust to repentance. The Father of Mercies is ready to give you His forgiveness and His peace in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. You will come to understand that nothing is definitively lost and you will also be able to ask forgiveness from your child, who is now living in the Lord'.

Rachel's Vineyard comes to Ireland

I heard about Rachel's Vineyard in the U.S. and made contact with them. The first retreat was held in Cork in October 2003. To date I have facilitated 66 retreats. I have facilitated retreats and trained Rachel's Vineyard teams in England, Malta, and last year in the Lebanon. God can use our biggest mistake as an instrument of our salvation. He can use our suffering to help others.

Unhealed abortion pain can destroy marriages and families. Healing abortion loss is essential to building a culture of life, and healing our families and communities impacted by this loss.

Bernadette Goulding

Finding Healing after Abortion

At a certain stage in my life, I turned my back on God, and gave up praying and going to Mass. From then on, my life started to go downhill on a self destructive path. I mixed with the wrong people, drank excessively, and became very promiscuous. I began to seek out fortune tellers and tarot card readers. I lied and cheated, and in the process rebelled against all who cared for me. My mindset became very reckless and extremely negative as, without realizing what was happening, I had lost my dignity and all self respect for myself.

I had myself so convinced that I knew it all, that no one could tell me what to do, that I was in control of my life. How wrong I was. I became pregnant as a result of a one night-stand, and abortion appeared the only solution. I didn't want this baby. I felt that I couldn't live with the shame of having a baby by someone I hardly knew. I made the decision to go to England and have the abortion, then come home and no one would ever know.

After the abortion I felt numb. I didn't want to think or talk about what I had done to anyone, so I suppressed it as if it never happened. I completely blocked it out of my life as if it had happened to someone else. That was not me, I would tell myself. I was totally in denial.

As time went by, I became very paranoid and anxious about myself. I had very low self esteem, and lost all confidence in myself. I became a people pleaser, thinking that no one liked me. I felt that people could never accept me, because deep down I could not accept myself.

I now realize that I was suffering from post abortion trauma. As I sunk deeper into depression, suicide appeared the only way out. I was finding it very hard to live with the thoughts of the abortion and of all the other horrible things that had happened in my past. I though that if I killed myself it would be a way out as I wouldn't have to live with my conscience and I couldn't live with the reality of the person I had become. Then it struck me that I had also looked at the abortion as a way out and look where that got me. Suddenly I realized that I was being selfish. I had already turned my back on my family and on the friends who loved me. Killing myself, instead of being a solution, would only hurt them far more.

I cried out to God to help me. I kept saying "God why me"? "Why did all these horrible things happen to me". I prayed to Him, imploring Him to give me another chance, to forgive me for all the wrong things that I had done. Just then a very strong thought entered into my head. I had a sudden realization that God had never left me, that it was I who had turned away and left Him.

After that , I began to pray again. I went to Confession and even got a priest to deliver me from any evil I had come under as a result of going to fortune tellers, and tarot card readers. I went back to Holy Mass and my love for God was renewed, for bringing me through that very dark time in my life.

I began to read spiritual magazine's, and one day came across an advert for Rachel's Vineyard retreats. Many times I went to phone the number but I guess I was afraid of the unknown and kept putting it off.

I knew that I had confessed the abortion but I also know that I still needed healing. One day I got the courage to make that phone call. I spoke to a lady who had such love in her voice, and made me feel that I was special, and that really comforted me.

I went on a Rachel's Vineyard retreat and was greeted by lovely warm hearted people, including other women who were post abortive. I did not feel alone or out of place as I was among people who had been through the same experience, and who listened with such compassion. The sense of being cared for, and the bonding that took place on the retreat was something very special.

May God bless the work of Rachel's Vineyard, as I highly recommend it to anyone who has had an abortion. I thank God that I made that phone call and went on that retreat. It has changed my life.

NO MORE TEARS TO CRY

My name is Nadia, I had an abortion many years ago, and since then, there have been times of unspeakable pain and loss. I have had a lot of healing and prayer and have had Mass’s offered over the years, and really believed that there were no more tears to cry. Three years ago I was returning from Ireland with a friend who began to speak of Rachel’s Vineyard, and how she had participated in a retreat. Immediately I was interested and knew that I also wanted to participate. The opportunity arose when I heard that a Rachel’s Vineyard weekend retreat was going to be held at Pantasaph in North Wales.

This retreat was beyond anything I could have imagined. Jesus Himself was present and the mercy of God flowed over us. It was as though Jesus opened a door for me and took me to that place that I dared not enter alone. From the beginning, Scripture was used and the Word of God, which is so powerful, brought into the light everything that had influenced my decision, and completely healed many dark and painful memories that I had carried for years.

Rachel’s Vineyard was for me, like entering a very beautiful garden of graces, with healing streams, and fountains of living water. There was no judgment, no condemnation, just love and acceptance. We each had an opportunity to tell our story, and there was a very special time when we named our children, prayed for them and lit a candle for them---the candles burning all together is a moment that I will never forget. The retreat ended with a memorial service that was so beautiful and anointed, it could only have been from heaven, and finally with Holy Mass. Our leader was a most caring, sensitive, and compassionate lady, who understood from her own experience, and led the retreat in such a way that each person was able to be open to all the graces that God had for them.

My journey is not yet over, but I am left in awe of the boundless mercy and love that God has for me.

Forbidden Grief

This book reveals the deep wound of abortion with profound insight and memorable examples. Soft cover.

To order contact : www.rachelsvineyard.org